Do you every have those days, weeks, months, or even years where you feel like your negative internal dialogue is filling up way too much of your brain? For me, it seems like more negative self-talk happens during the winter months when my mood and emotions start to match the dark, cold, gloomy weather. During this time, it is so easy to isolate myself, stay home more, get out of routine- specifically with working out- and thus, be alone with myself and my mind.
I recently learned that our negative self-talk has a name: the"inner-critic/judge" or the shame gremlin, as Brené Brown calls it. It's the voice inside our head that is telling us:“you are not smart enough, you are not pretty enough, you are not worthy, who do you think you are, do you really think you can accomplish that? ha!." This voice plays a huge role in how we live our life and can be very dangerous and harmful to our overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being if we do not keep it in check.
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough. Guilt is I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame is I’m sorry. I am a mistake. In a sense, shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide and eating disorders" (Brené Brown).
We all have two different voices inside us: one that is nurturing, and one that is critical; one that lifts up, and one that weighs us down. Both of these voices have a role to play. Our inner nurturer brings self-compassion and encouragement, while the inner critic helps you recognize where you’ve gone wrong and what you need to do to set things right. But for most people, the inner critic goes way overboard, throwing dart after dart of scolding, shaming, nit-picking and faultfinding. It’s big and powerful, while the inner nurturer is small and ineffective, wearing down your mood, self-worth and resilience (Rick Hanson & Forrest Hanson, 2018).
Ah it can get exhausting listening to that little, nagging voice. If we were to write down every thought we had, how many would would be positive vs. negative/filled with criticism towards ourselves? I've realized that externally, it is easier for me to say encouraging, positive things to other people, but when it comes to myself, I am my own worst critic. Some of the things I say to myself I would never imagine saying to those I love. What we say to ourselves soon becomes our reality; it becomes apart of our story. Soon enough, we start to believe in the story we are telling ourselves.
My inner critic LOVES to focus on the"S" word (should) and comes in strong with the "not good enough" stab: "Sam you SHOULD have be more prepared for the week ahead. It could have been so much better than what it was. YOU could be have been better than you were. You SHOULD have made yoga more of a priority this week, you've only been once. You're not that great of a friend, you could do more."
Some refer to this inner critic as a bully, eager to push us down, shaming us through life's experiences: making a mistake and feeling inadequate, adjusting to a new routine and not making it to the gym and feeling like a failure, going through a tough breakup and questioning your identity, etc. and it is in our control to do something about this inner voice.
I just finished reading Brené Brown's book Rising Strong, and whoa, this book was powerful! What stood out to me the most was the Shitty First Draft (SFD). As I mentioned above, the negative self-talk starts to become apart of our story of who we THINK we are and the audio is stuck on repeat; the more we think about them, the more they start to become real. The stories (our thoughts) that we create, then influence our emotions, which produce our behaviors and how we respond to situations we encounter. In Rising Strong, Brené challenges us to write down the SFD of that story and go through the Rising Strong process to diminish the inner critic and bring light to our inner nurturer:
The Reckoning: the courage to be curious about our emotions and the story behind them (try meditation, deep breathing, or creative expression like journaling to work through this part: FYI this takes extreme vulnerability and can be super scary, afraid to see what will come out...be patient with yourself).
The Rumbling: rumble with the meaning behind the situation and the emotions; a reality check. Write down everything that comes to mind (the good, the bad, and the ugly), no one else is going to read this, but you and start to analyze and identify: What is the story I am making up (my emotions, thinking, beliefs, actions)? What do I know to be true? What more do I need and understand about the situation? What more do I need to understand myself? What assumptions am I making? What questions or clarifications might help? What am I really feeling? Are my feelings connected to the current situation or something deeper? What can I learn from this situation? This process allows us to see the true meaning buried deep within this story and gives us the power to own our story and rewrite it to change the outcome next time.
The Revolution: Owing our stories equips us with the power to rewrite it with an awesome ending.
My example: Not Doing Enough-SFD (straight from my journal)
The Reckoning: Yucky feelings crept in this morning and are consuming my time, taking over my thoughts and heart. I woke up immediately feeling a bit anxious, not good enough/not doing enough. Feeling a bit down and sad...getting down on myself that I could be doing more; the need to control to be/look perfect creeping in- "I SHOULD be doing more at work and in my life. I am falling behind on my monthly intentions. Why haven't I published my next post yet?"
The Rumble: The story I am making up is: Since I had two weeks at home enjoying a lovely relaxing vacation with family and friends and I leaving work at work, I am now worrying that I made a mistake and will not prepared for my workshop tomorrow. My emotions: I feel anxious, nervous and stressed. My body: I feel tightening in my chest. My beliefs: I should have given myself more time to prepare and ease into the semester; I am not good enough, they will see right through me; they won't resonate with anything I am sharing. What do I know objectively? I had an amazing, needed time at home and have led workshops like this many times; I have what I need to be successful, I just need to get back into my work routine. What assumptions am I making? I will not be perfect. What more do I need to learn about myself?This has happened to me before, usually right after a long break, I get into my head and freak myself out, thus, the anxious stress pushes me into over-drive to jump right into work and complete tasks, not giving myself time to reflect and plan for what is coming next with a calm mind. What am I really feeling? A lack of control, needing to be perfect when I want to focus on my love for doing these workshops and my purpose: THEY are the experts, I am only the guide; I need to give my self a break and trust in my abilities. What part did I play? I struggled to give myself time to ease back into work and plan out enough time to work on the workshop before leaving for break. I also did not ask others for support.
The Revolution: New ending: I am confident, I am an expert in this field, I am being my authentic self. My job is to provide the information for them and for them to take it to the next level. Next time these feelings show up, I will stay open, curious, and encouraging. It's not about me. I need to let go of expectations, of control, and the thought of being "perfect" and give others a chance to show up. Letting go will create space for what is true, allowing everyone to grow in the process.
You have the power to control your thoughts to create the life you want! Below are a few steps to weaken the power of the inner critic:
Identify when and where your inner critic shows up and give it a name: This helps to bring life to it and allows you to better identify when the inner critic is speaking and see that it is not credible. Picture it as that annoying person who is ALWAYS negative and show them to the door: "Thank you for showing up, but please keep your shoes on and show yourself our the door, we will not be needing you today. Goodbye." Ask yourself: When did your inner critic first show up? In what situations does it pop up for a visit? Is this ME talking or my inner critic? (Co-Active).
Challenge it and replace with positive self-talk: Write down one of its typical lines (for example, “you're not good enough”) and then write down three or more believable positive affirmations “This is not helping me and I don’t have to listen to it, I am good enough, I am strong, I have the resources I need to make this happen" (Rick Hanson & Forrest Hanson, 2018).
Go through the Rising Strong process (above): The reckoning, the rumble, and the revolution.
Build connection: "Connection is why we're here; it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." Create a square squad- write a list of people who are positive influences in your life who support you, who you can trust to be vulnerable with and feel safe to talk through these moments of negative-self talk to push the gremlin aside and free your inner nurturer (it's called a square squad because the point is to write these names on a tiny piece of squared paper. It's super small so you really have to think who would make the list if all names had to fit on this piece of paper, Brené Brown).
Practice vulnerability: "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change." Having the courage to be vulnerable to talk through the shame you are feeling with those who are in your square squad can help to diminish the control the gremlin has over your mind (Brené Brown).
If we don't acknowledge it's presence, the gremlin always wins; it continues to have a front seat. No, rather, it is always in the driver's seat. It's time to say goodbye to this inner critic and take back your power so you can experience the real story.
"Shame derives its power from being unspeakable... if we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it." -Brené Brown
What name would you give your inner critic? When do they show up the most?
What story do you want to rewrite?
Well said! I will use the saying “ thank you for showing up but please keep your shoes on! Love that
Very well written and a worthy read Sam - my inner critic continues to fade into the distance but is still audible at times
Gladys often finds her voice when I need to hear her the least. (Makes sense of course) Just finished Rising Strong, powerful messages. Thanks for you post. Hits home.
Need to take some time to do this work. So much critical self talk with being in a new place, starting a new job and NONE of it is going how I was hoping it would go and I'm cutting myself down over it. I don't have a name for this critic yet, but she shows up when I'm tired and haven't had the time/energy to connect with others. SO MANY STORIES I want to rewrite.
AHHHH, BEAUTIFUL. I need to read Rising Strong ASAP. This was just what I needed to hear today too. I’m going to stick with “Cheryl” as the name for my more hangry, critical self. I’ll thank her for her input and then sort through what makes sense and what is not helpful for my growth. Thank you for sharing, Sam.