It's been almost two months since I moved back to the twin cities and what a ride it has been. In my previous post I shared about my process making this move and big life transition. As I shared, with change can come a mix of feelings: joy, fear, excitement, eagerness, uncertainty, curiosity, hope. I was SO ready to be back in this place, one I knew a long time ago and now, I'm coming back as not a different person, but a more evolved into the person I want to be. Subconsciously, there is this thought, this feeling... "once I am there, I will be _____ (happy, fulfilled, complete, whole, grounded, at peace)". I intentionally prepared for the move FROM Lincoln, however, I didn't fully prepare to ARRIVE and to emotionally prepare myself for what was on the other side of change- it's not always all rainbows and butterflies.
When we are eager for change, we often think a place, a new job, a different relationship will magically "fix" the problems we have or get rid of the undesirable emotions we have been feeling. During the first month back, my emotions came in many waves. I knew this change was aligned with my path, however, I didn't give myself the time or space to REALLY sit in it, process it, allow it to unfold. I wanted everything to be "perfect" and feel complete right away: I wanted my routine to be in place, make friends right away, have my place all put together, etc. And in it all, I was irritable, frustrated, and emotionally fragile, feelings I hadn't expected.
June was a whirlwind of a month and I wanted to be more mindful in July so I up my July animal spirit card was (at the start of the new year, I pull a card for each month and one card for the year- this year, I decided to reshuffle the cards each time I pulled one). My 2021 year card is the butterfly: "Undergoing great change and transformation". And just guess what my July card was...
July: The Butterfly
"The energy of the Butterfly is with us during periods of transition. Since Air is the element of the heart, this change usually involves relationships (or if you love your job, perhaps your career). Since transition is accompanied by some amount of discomfort, be extra patient during this time, especially if the butterfly is you. Let solid friends and activities support you like a cocoon.
When in balance: cheerful, graceful
When out of balance: fragile, frustrated
To bring into balance: daily routine"
In the middle of July, I attended WYLD's Women's Retreat at HF Bar Ranch in Wyoming, a retreat I have been dreaming of going on for five years. People ask me how the retreat was... and I just can't put it into words. What I can share is that anytime I felt anxious energy going into an activity or discussion that was asking me to be courageous, I saw a butterfly, reminding me to take a deep breath and that I am exactly where I need to be.
Change, planned or unexpected, is inevitable. Rather than thinking a big change will fix or improve everything, it's important to remember that it's the small things, routines, practices, rituals that we do each day that add up and over time, they define how we live our lives. Among all of the change, I forgot the most important thing: to just be. To be present. To go on a walk and notice the trees in my new neighborhood. To enjoy my cup of coffee without rushing to my email. To text a friend and check-in. To laugh.
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living.”― Annie Dillard, The Writing Life
What change is coming up for you?
How can you create time to be still and soak it in?
What is one small thing you can do today to help you feel grounded in this moment?
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