Permission to Feel

Inhale love, compassion, calm, strength, hope....exhale anger, worry, fear, doubt.

One day at a time.

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Emotions are like waves... we experience high and low tides throughout different seasons, weeks, months, years, and even within the same day. Sometimes, these waves wash over us, leaving us still standing. Some waves we choose to ride. Other times, we might get knocked down as they rush over us. Then there are the times when the waves are so strong that they pull us into a whirlpool, making us feel trapped and stuck, making us feel as if we have no way out and we begin to spin...and spin... and spin. During these emotional peaks and valleys, I have come to realize that to fully live and experience all that is life, we must ride these waves with patience, grace, and compassion, knowing that all waves, no matter how high, have something to teach us, to allow us to grow, to evolve and eventually, these waves, too shall pass, leaving us with a new beginning. Over time, we come to discover our own unique life vests and boats (activities, practices, rituals, people, etc. ) that give us courage to embrace and move through these waves, knowing that just on the other side the sun is shinning and the waves are calm again, allowing us to catch our breath and keep swimming.

I have found that the most challenging part about emotions is knowing how to name them. It's scary to name them. If we name them we bring them into existence... they are now real, meaning we now have to do something about them. Usually, it is so much easier to push them down, to bury them, to pack dirt and sand over them so that they cannot take control; so that we don't feel out of control. However, over time, the waves keep crashing up on the shore, and the packed dirt, soil, sand start to slowly get washed away and those buried emotions peak through, until one day, they are upon us. Gaining strength so fast we don't know how to stop them from rising or in that moment, how to manage or navigate them, leaving us stuck in the mud, feeling trapped, overwhelmed.

Vulnerability and the sharing of our emotions is not easy; we do not live in a world that always accepts, honors, and celebrates emotions. Often times, we are shamed or rejected when we share what we are truly feeling. Many of us have not be taught how to talk about our emotions or how to receive them; how to hold space for them. If we cannot name them, then how can we know where to start or how to move through the waves? What is the story behind the feeling? Where is it coming from? What is it attached to?

There is so much we individually and collectively we have felt over these past few months and those feelings can be so intense, suffocating, trapping and we are gripping onto anything we can to free our breath. To inhale... to exhale. During these times, we can even experience paradoxical emotions; feeling anxious and hopeful, feeling angry and calm, feeling joy and uncertainty; what do we do with those feelings?

Below I share some seeds of wisdom I have learned through my own emotional journey, hoping to provide support as you navigate, manage, and move through the waves you experience to gain control and keep swimming.

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On one of Brené Brown's podcast episodes, she speaks with Dr. Marc Brackett about his book "Permission to Feel". In this episode, they talk about emotional literacy – being able to recognize, name, and understand our feelings – affects everything from learning, decision making, and creativity, to relationships, health, and performance.

“It is one of the great paradoxes of the human condition- we ask some variation of the question, “How are you feeling?” over and over, which would lead on to assume that we attach some importance to it yet we never expect or desire or provide an honest answer."

We often do not want to- or have the "time"- to manage people's emotions or we do not want to put emotional burden onto others so we respond with "I'm fine; I'm good" and in return, we accept those responses. When people respond with hurt or fear or love and joy, we don't take the time to create space for the emotion, to listen, so we hold these in and we bury them. But, they don't go away. Rather, they are expressed in ineffective, unproductive, unhealthy ways through different forms in our lives, disrupting and causing more chaos.

5 areas where feelings matter the most:

1. Attentional capacity: Emotions impact our ability to focus, concentrate, and produce.

2. Decision making: Emotions influence how we view a situation and the decisions we make.

3. Relationships: Emotions are signals to approach or avoid; they help us read and assess the energy from others.

4. Physical and mental health: Poor emotional health can weaken your body’s immune system.

5. Performance and cognition: Emotional intelligence helps to guide how we show up at work and and in our daily life.

RULER Technique:

1. Recognizing emotions in oneself and others: Pay attention to physical cues: facial expressions, body language, vocal tones, nonverberals.

• Barriers: Not taking the time to take a breath and pause before responding. Learned behaviors to fake our feelings; to mask them. Misperceived emotions- naming shame as anger based on the behaviors being expressed, therefore, we are not getting to the root of the emotion and thus, solutions we present are ineffective.

2. Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions: Helps us make better predictions about our own thoughts and more informed choices about our behaviors to then know what to do next.

• Barriers: Need to know the underlying themes of emotions- anger is about injustice, disappointment is about unmet expectations, jealous is feeling threatened that someone you care about is going to be taken away, fear is about potential danger, joy is about achieving a goal.

3. Labeling emotions with precise words: Increases self-awareness and helps us to communicate emotion more effectively.

• Barriers: Being afraid to label/ignoring them, then don't know what we need or the help that would be productive to give.

4. Expressing emotions: Permission to express emotions in accordance with cultural norms and social context, to invite in empathy.

• Barriers: Need to break down racial, power dynamic barriers around the vulnerability of emotions to be able to have someone who will and can attentively listen.

5. Regulating emotions to achieve goals and well-being: Monitoring, tempering, and modifying emotional reactions in helpful ways to reach goals.

• Barriers: Knowing how we best regulate our emotions and what works for me might not work for others. Your strategies are unique to you.

Unfelt, unprocessed emotions are not benign; they do not go away. They grow. The core human need is to be heard, seen, and love. We cannot get there without vulnerability, without the comfort that we can share within a safe, open space without judgement.

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During our friend camping trip this summer, my brother asked the group around the campfire: "If money wasn't a factor, what would you want to spend your life doing/what would you change in the world?" My answer: to create a way where all humans feel heard, valued, and supported; for all people to have access to counseling, to feel supported to be vulnerable and to dive into their emotions, without the fear of judgement and shame. For people to be able to confidently identify and share what they are feeling with people who can hold the space and listen, REALLY listen with empathy and compassion to help create productive strategies to move through and forward... what a magical world that would be.

"Therapy is expensive and, often times, it can be tough to find a therapist that your insurance plan covers. But the idea of going to therapy can also feel so intimidating and shrouded by stereotypes that people avoid it altogether. Hearing about other people's experiences with therapy, and the best advice their therapist has given them, can be encouraging, and take away some of that stigma.

Teen Vogue spoke with 50 people of different races, genders, ages, sexualities, and identities about the issues they grapple with in therapy, and the best advice their therapist has given them. Some tackled self perception and expectations, while others drew inspiration and betterment from sessions focused on relationships. Some discussed their mental illness, though not all of the following have one — as is mistakenly assumed of those seeking help. Despite their differences, each has a story of devoting part of their week to mental health and hope that, by way of their transparency, someone may be inspired to sit down with a trusted professional who is trained to help. And if not? Well, then maybe these lessons can teach you something anyway."

Therapist's advice: "You seem to always talk about what you should and shouldn't do, how you should or shouldn't be. How do you actually feel?"

Billie's thoughts: “For the first time, I realized that I was so focused on aligning with what I thought was 'right' that I was suppressing/invalidating my feelings. This doesn't mean to act on every emotion, but it's important to acknowledge that the emotions you feel do exist and to find the root to why they exist in order to figure out how to best manage them.”

Therapist's advice: "Make mental lists of all the things you can control in a situation and put positive power to those."

Deja's thoughts: "If someone was making decisions that upset me, I wasn't able to change what they were doing, but I could change my response to that behavior. Or I can change the amount of communication I have with that person."

Therapist's advice: "Change your perspective and everything else will fall into place."

Evelyn's thoughts: "I would make situations out of nothing, speak impulsively and had moments where I would be screaming to get my point across. A lot of it stemmed from not feeling that I was up to my family's standards. My therapist made me realize that it's my mindset that has to change and my overall outlook on my natural abilities to succeed."

Therapist's advice: "If a plane goes down, you have to put your mask on before you help someone else."

Phyllis' thoughts: “During my junior year, I was taking a lot of responsibilities for myself and my family. Often times, my family obligations went above my own needs. My therapist was trying to convey the message that, in order for me to get to a place where I can take care of my family, first I had to focus on my needs and take care of myself.”

Therapist's advice: "Feelings aren't facts."

Dana's thoughts: “The first thing to go when you're experiencing symptoms of a mental illness episode is clarity of thought. Your brain becomes this harsh and brutal inner critic that sets a series of lies on loop in your mind. Listening to these voices will have you believing the worst things about yourself and other people. Reminding myself that feelings aren't facts helps me practice self-compassion when sitting with and processing these feelings, while also working through ways to find counter arguments based on reality.”

Therapist's advice: "Be proud of the accomplishments you made."

Khaaliq's thoughts: “As someone who is Black, queer and disabled, navigating the world as a 20-something isn't always easy. This advice helped with my anxiety, worries, and fears of what people perceive me to be.”

Therapist's advice: "Don't fall in love, but walk into it with eyes wide open."

Margarete's thoughts: “I wanted a relationship so bad. I was getting hurt a lot and she wanted me to be more aware to avoid getting hurt. It was a help for me — to not just fall in love with anyone and to be on my guard.”

Therapist's advice: "Build a healthy relationship with the emotions that you consider negative."

Briana's thoughts: “I always fight so hard against emotions that society considers as negative, and fighting against them has caused me to act in fear in a lot of ways. Building a relationship with negative emotions allows me to feel and not run away from them.”

Review the article for more personal insights around the power and transformation of counseling.

But... how do you find someone to talk to? How do you go about finding a counselor or coach? From my own experience, I waited until I was at my breaking point until I starting looking for a counselor and knowing where to start was the hardest part and increased my anxiety and stress: How much does it cost? Will my health insurance cover all or even some of the cost per session? Are counselors available in the evenings after work? What type of counselor would be a good fit for me? (finding the right fit is CRUCIAL. The first session is almost like a first date, both parties are feeling the other one out to make sure the counselor can provide the support and guidance you need).

I asked my dear friend Tiffany, a Licensed Independent Mental Health Practitioner, who has has been a guiding light for me and even helped me find my counselor, to share her insights and key steps when beginning the process.

Step 1: Self-check.

• Release any negative thoughts and the stigma that there is something wrong with you or that you need to have an extreme problem to go to counseling.

• Counseling is a welcoming, safe, open environment for you to share about ANYTHING with a third party. No strings attached.

• Give yourself permission to feel.

Step 2: Gather names and research.

• Use resources like Psychology Today

• Ask for a list of in-network providers from your insurance, if you have it.

• Ask friends for recommendations if you feel comfortable (I have clients ask me for names for their friends/family frequently).

Step 3: Check with insurance.

• Double check the counselor you found is "in-network" with your insurance.

• If you don't have insurance, ask if they offer sliding fee scale or payment plans.

Step 4: Discovery call.

• Call/email to make sure they are a good fit.

• Ask: What is your approach to therapy? Do you work with the specific issue I am wanting to address (grief, anxiety, family issues, eating disorder, etc.)?

• Most therapists are willing to have a conversation with you to make sure you are both the best fit possible. It's ok to do this with a few different therapists. You should therapist shop to find someone you feel comfortable with.

Step 5: Schedule an intake.

• Note this may look different than a normal session would.

• During this appointment, the therapist needs to gather insurance information, have you fill out new client paperwork, and gather background information about you to help develop a treatment/healing plan.

• They will also answer any questions you have about the process.

• If you have personal questions, they may choose to disclose that. I get a lot of questions about where I went to school, my previous work history, my age, marital status, if I have kids etc.. If I think it will help me connect in the therapeutic relationship, I may disclose that information.

Things that people get hung up on:

• Not knowing where to start

• Financial struggles

• Not having providers call/email them back

• Not feeling ready to do the "work" of therapy (Let me know if you want me to expand on that)

• But the biggest one is having shame about needing to go. I can't count the amount of people that tell me they wanted to start months and years earlier, but felt shame about coming.

Remember, no one has it figured it. This is YOUR journey. It will look different for every person. I honestly don't know if we are ever "ready" to talk, to dive in deep, to dig up the situations and the emotions we have buried, but I encourage you to take the first step; to invest in you. Give yourself permission to feel and remember, you have to put on your oxygen mask first, before helping others. "Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity and courage."- Brené Brown

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Strategies to help us navigate our emotions:

Strategies on how each of us regulate our emotions looks different. Feeling, naming, and accepting your emotions allows you to move through them, to own them, to mange what happens next. When this emotion (wave) comes again, you will have more strength and resiliency to face it head on, knowing which life vests will help you move through and ride it. On the other side is courage, connection, compassion, and hope.

1. Give yourself the permission to feel: feel it all; what you feel, is real.

2. Judge nothing, observe everything; get curious with your emotions and be open.

3. Name the emotions, check in with your mind, body, soul: "I feel"...

4. Meet your basic needs: rest, food, water, movement.

5. Embrace nature: take in the sunshine.

6. Identify your people you can be vulnerable with.

7. Self-talk check: What stories are you telling yourself?

8. Discover self-care rituals: morning & evening routine, baths, walks, journaling, exercising, external processing, mini dance parties, pro/con list, completing tasks.

9. Lead with gratitude and self-compassion; put energy into what is in your control.

10. Create space to release: breathe, breaks, meditation, laughter, play, creativity.

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Emotions are like waves... we experience high and low tides throughout different seasons, weeks, months, years, and even within the same day. Over time, we come to discover what our unique life vests and boats are (activities, practices, rituals, people, etc. ) that give us courage to embrace and ride through these waves, knowing that just on the other side the sun is shinning and the waves are calm, allowing us to catch our breath and keep swimming.

Inhale love, compassion, calm, strength, hope..... exhale anger, worry, fear, doubt...and give yourself the permission to feel.

Remember to create space to breathe, to take care of your heart, mind, soul, and body.

One.Day.At.A.Time

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1. What has your emotional journey looked like?

2. What advice would you give someone who was looking for a counselor?

3. Where do you want to dive deeper?