The Power of a Question

Over the past few weeks, questions and the power of them have been showing up in different interactions with various individuals and groups. These moments have lead me to ask: What is in a question? What meaning can be discovered from a good question? Where can questions lead us? What doors can they open? What can they spark within us? How can questions lead to stronger connections?

Have you ever been at social event or a small gathering and realize that after hours of conversing with the same group, no one has asked you one single question? I am going to assume that most of us have experienced this at some point in our life and understand how yucky it feels. It makes you feel unappreciated, not important and worst of all, like no one really cares to hear what you have to say.

To spark some inspiration for this blog post, I started to read Warren Berger's book The Book of Beautiful Questions. In his book he identifies the best questioners: children. Do you notice how many questions children ask on a daily basis?: Why is the sky blue? Why do humans need sleep? When will I be big enough to watch movies late? Why, why, why?? At this young age, our curiosity is at an all time high; our minds are open and eager to know more, helping us to expand and grow within the world. Unfortunately, over time, we begin to ask less questions. Berger explains that question asking drops off usually during elementary school; as 4 year-olds, most of us asked about hundred questions per day, by the time we hit the teenage years, we ask only a few or no questions at all.

What is holding us back from asking questions? FEAR. The fear of looking stupid, asking the wrong question, being made fun of and feeling embarrassed for not knowing the answer. As a result, we hold back, we assume the role of “I don’t need help, I’ll figure things out on my own.." We start to creep towards aspects of perfectionism, creating the image in our head that asking for help is a weakness. To protect ourselves from shame and embarrassment, we put up barriers. However, these barriers weaken our connection with those around us.

Questions remind us to slow down and think more, to see past blocks and emotional reactions. They can help steer you in the right direction at critical moments to make a decision, create, connect, and be a more effective leader (Berger, 2019).

In my role as a life coach, I have discovered how easily a question can open our minds and hearts to new understandings and build stronger connections. Questions can move us through the "stuckness" and lead to innovative, creative ideas and solutions in work and life. In coaching, the technique is called Powerful Questions: "clear, thought-provoking questions to help the individual explore issues deeper, examine behaviors and how they are ‘being’. The ability to ask questions that open the individual up to discovery, curiosity and insights; Questions that stem from being in the moment and active listening, understanding the person's perspective."

When we ask one another questions, we show interest in knowing more about the individual; we show that we care. This create a space for vulnerability, allowing us to better empathize with others. Asking questions can shift our perspective form criticizing and assuming to listening and understanding; questions open the door to curiosity, creativity, and deeper connection. Many times, when someone comes to us with a problem, we usually quickly jump to "fixer" mode, wanted to provide advice and solve the issue. Most of the time, this is advice that WE would like to hear and that would work for us. Next time this happens to you I challenge you to try something: Rather than immediately providing advice or taking on the problem as your own, try asking the person a question to get to the root of what is going on and to spark a new way of looking at what is in front of them.

I have also learned that questions not only lead to strong connections with others, but with ourselves. As human beings, we learn through experiences. The result of those experiences then influence how we respond to future situations. These situations then create the stories we tell ourselves and believe to be true: "I am not going to ask a question because in the past I felt dumb.. I am going to just keep my mouth shut." We then go into situations with this perspective guiding our attitude and behaviors. While reading Beginners Pluck, Liz shares that in moments of embarrassed or feeling discouraged, we have a choice to either resort to criticism and shame OR curiosity. It is all about changing our perspective; a narrative shift. You give you brain the clue that it’s possible you don’t have it all figured out and it is safe to be curious; giving yourself permission to be creative and open in that moment.

For me, I over analyze situations and interactions wondering do they like me, did I say the right thing, what if I messed up. This over analyzing quickly leads to great amount of anxiety and impedes me from making clear headed choices and decisions. Additionally, as someone who can read the emotional energy of the room, I immediately pick up on on low, negative energy and take it on as a result of something I did wrong. For example, last week while teaching class, the students weren't as engaged as previous weeks and I jumped to the conclusion that I'm not good enough, this should be better, I should have prepared more and put more activities into the lesson plan. To move from self-shaming to curiosity and growth, I started to ask myself questions to shift my perspective: What do I know to be true? What am I assuming? What role did I play? What information is missing? What can I learn from this for next time? Through this creative question asking, I came to the the conclusion that at this time of the school year, we are all a little tired and overwhelmed. Their lower engagement is probably due to the stress of school and life building up, not because of something I did wrong. In that moment, I chose to not dwell on the feeling and instead, I prompted an impromptu 30 second dance party during the middle of class and guess what? The students lit up and their energy lifted immediately! By choosing to be curious, I was able to see the situation with a clear mind and then could provide an effective solution.

To help us all on the questioner journey, I have provided a few powerful questions to help guide you to build stronger connections with those you work with, love, and lead.

Where do you want to grow in your question asking?

---

Questions to ask yourself to help shift your perspective (Bohannon, 2020):

1. What do I know to be true?

2. What am I assuming?

3. I wonder why they responded that way?

4. What could I have done better?

5. What will I do differently next time?

6. What information is missing? How can I get fuller understanding?

7. What can I learn from this?

8. How will I change/grow from this experience?

9. How can I be grateful for this situation?

Questions to help you to become a beautiful questioner (Berger, 2019):

1. Am I willing to be seen as naive?

2. Am I willing to move away from what I know?

3. Am I open to admitting I might be wrong?

4. Can I embrace uncertainty, admit vulnerability and still be seen as a strong, confident person, leader, partner, friend, parent, companion etc.?

Questions to ask yourself to make confident decisions (Berger, 2019):

1. What am I really trying to achieve/decide here?

2. How can I see this with fresh eyes?

3. What might I be assuming?

4. What am I missing?

5. What is the purpose?

6. What information or evidence do I have to support my thinking?

7. Am I thinking from a place of fear? (fear of unknown)

8. Who needs to be involved?

9. What beliefs and basis that I have are coming to play? Are they helping or holding me back? What if my beliefs or assumptions on the issue are just plain wrong?

Questions to grow as a leader (Berger, 2019):

1. Am I willing to step back in order to help others more forward?

2. Do I have the confidence to be humble?

3. Can I learn to keep learning?

4. Do I seek to create an organization in my own image?

Questions to help others move from problem to solution (Berger, 2019)

1. What's going on?

2. What have you tried already?

3. If you could try anything to solve this, what would you try?

4. What might get in the way of this, and what could be done?

5. What if it went the way you hoped? What would it look like?

6. What is one step you could take right now?

Questions for self and others to build connection:

1. Where are you at?

2. What is your dream?

3. What gives your life meaning?

4. What is ahead?

5. What's your story?

6. What's your purpose?

7. Who brings joy into your life?

8. If you wrote a book, what would the title be?

9. What are you most looking forward to right now?

10. What's next?

---

Berger, W. (2016) A more beautiful question: The power of inquiry to spark breakthrough ideas.

Berger, W. (2019). The book of beautiful questions: The powerful questions that will help you decide, create ... connect, and lead.

Liz Forkin Bohannon (2020). Beginner's puck: Build your life of purpose and impact now.

---

Curiosity is the spark behind every great idea and connection.

---

1. What is one of your favorite questions to be asked?

2. What is your go to question?

3. In which environment (s) do you want to ask more questions?